Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
