My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
