I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
