He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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