Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
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were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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