if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
