I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
