I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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