I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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