what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
