Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
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alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize