Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
