There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
