Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
This house was built for laser tag.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
