I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
