my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
