walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
