OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
