In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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