My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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