'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
