god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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