did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
