I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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