dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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