before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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