if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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