just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
