Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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