I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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