I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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