I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
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I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize