So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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