My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
