Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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