Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
