He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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