my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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