Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
