when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
