I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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