I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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