Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
