you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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