My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
