apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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