you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
