The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
