We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
