how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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