Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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