her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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