i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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