He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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