Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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