Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
