Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
