I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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